| (no subject) |
[Jan. 23rd, 2008|11:54 pm] |
Dearn Universe,
At this time. I am ready to reconstruct my life, or as you might call it- move on.
I'm ready to let go of all that baggage, and this will require a massive, beautiful, flood like cleaning that I am so ready for. It feels so good, I think that even the things that |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 30th, 2007|11:44 am] |
Dear whoever it may concern,
Life has reached a strange turning point. How can I be so stupid? the risks I take are not worth it, and now it may cost someone's life.I'm partially responsible." Friends don't let friends drink and drive". I always thought that, and pushed for it...but the reason was so that it wouldn't endanger lives....I never thought about how you shouldn't drink and drive becuse if the road is slippery and icey and there is an accident in front of you... get caught ....you are in serious trouble, especially if you hit a police car. But there's so much more to this story, there is so much more, and the situation gets a million times worse.....
I feel horrible. I feel reallly horrible. I feel so bad. Why did I let it happen? how can i be so stupid?How could I be so dumb?
The rest is not my fault, but if we didn't get into an accident, if noone drove me home, if a person who didnt care about me so deeply did not drive me home, far away from their own home, this wouldve never happened.
I can't begin to express how i feel. ll ifeel is 3 years melting behind me. A crash of senses and attempt to comprehend everything has hppened to me in the last few years and why it has happened and why and where it puts me now.
Shattering my life experiences. Bigger than anything I've experienced.
All I can do right now is stay calm, love myself, help, anything but panic or feel hopeless.
Dear Universe, I am so sorry and I think she is too. Please don't take years of her life away. Sometimes she doesnt have people with good habits around her, but it's not like she can abandon them. I know she has lessons to learn, but please minimize the reprecussions. Please, she is great person who acts out of compassion everyday. Please Universe. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 28th, 2007|10:55 pm] |
So, Universe
Life gets more and more interesting and twisty. Karma is strange.
But my path will be one full of light, although unconventional.
please, universe. take care of these two souls in front of me, i know they have their own plan, and protect me, and i will protect that that is sacred to you, i know i dont have to make a deal with you, because you are one wtih me. I sond crazy right? but im not lol. I wish i could write all that has happened, but I dont even think that would be a good idea.......
Time to look at who I am once again and why i do the things i Do
i love you universe. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2007|10:07 pm] |
I feel pretty good right now. I talked to my co-worker and something ....
she said helped me step out of myself-in a good way.
Step outside of myself for my own good and to accept smeone else.
strange. Sometimes I worry ...because what would I do without so and so?
How would I interact without so and so's consultation?
I guess I can just try to learn the best i can from consultations, advice AND persnal experience.
its scary sometimes how just one conversation can change your life. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2007|11:59 pm] |
|
" self-induced fatigue"
" personal victory"
" conscious choice"
" justice in hearing"
" immobility"
" futile"
" defense"
" paralyzing self-loathing"
" paralyizing addiction"
" paralyze"
" conscious effort"
" physical force"
" focal point"
" change of pace" " don't look back" |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2007|11:16 pm] |
ok so day by da y ive been forcing myself to do things. and i guess its getting better.
so what do i want to do?
I want to take time .
talk it out.
figure out whats going on.
and if possible, come to an agreement.
maybe it will require space and moving |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2007|05:13 pm] |
im going to have to physicaly force myself to go to finish my room and physicaly force myself to the gym, because I'm unprepared mentally...
but sometimes it doesn't matter.
like throwing yourself into cold water before you wake up,
or stepping outside naked.
i will now have to use pure muscle discipline to force myself into my room. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2007|09:47 pm] |
Hello LJ,
My living room is so noisy..I don't know what to write or do. I can't think clearly. Christine and Karyn helped me clean my room last night so it's better now.Soon, I will be living alone- for a week. and then then again for 2 weeks, wonderfulr ight? jeez I can't wait. think of... no chattering, no judging , no hiding, just...quiet...and alone time, and peace and .....ergh, can't come soon enough!
dont get me wrong, love company, but need ALONE TIME.
Ok i need to go write in my journal but i love being online. but its sucking away my life in a way. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 2nd, 2007|11:16 pm] |
|
So there is this really cool archeological dig going on in Florence.....but actually it's been going on for a while. That was the highlight of my day yesterday. Today, the highlight of my day was salt n pepa and perhaps learning about win chung? let me check....ok
Wing chun. According to this documentary I was watching, Wing chun is a form of martial arts that uses several key movements to get yourself very close to your opponent ..so that you can attack the person's core..and with a few movements ...bring the person down. Do you know how Wing chun was developped? ok well this is what the highlight of my day was. Wing Chun is said to be taught at many womyn's self defense classes......
Wng chun was actually a womyn living in Qing Dynasty....a war lord was trying to force their marraige. She made a deal with him that if she could beat him in a match, that she would have her freedom. She developped Wing chun and beat him and kept her freedom. ...she's seriously...my new hero. LOL!
Anyway, ummmm I want to say that I'm a mess...I sort of am ..I have way too much stuff in my room..I don't know what i was thinking ..buying all of those clothes and throwing down all that garbage and not spending time regularly organizing my room. I really miss being rested and awake and myself and quiet and having my own world. I don't know what's keeping me from it but its a million plans and clutters and complicated relationships that get me. Also, my love of being flighty, going on random adventures to keep me entertained and loving clothes and shopping and apparently being broke. Time to grow up. ( sort of, not really). I mean ..time to UNComplicate my life. Since I have no room in my room..I'm going to sleep in the living room and read this book called how to simplify your life. lololol.
I'm also going to listen to some irish folk music, for some reason hat always cheers me up. yay..there I go. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. what to say now? except that its 1130 and I'm going to go to bed. but im afraid of bugs. shrugs. I can't really write because I feel like my head isnt clear enough. halloween was okay. I need some alone time. some free time, some time away from here.
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 30th, 2007|02:49 am] |
So I'm here today. back...2 days later or maybe three. I'm not sure but for the past few days..I have come home 4 times and stayed half an hour each time. Now i am back for the night. I think if I pretend that I'm living in the seventies. ( the hollywood kind of seventies)..that life might be more fun and maybe I could actually get some sleep. If only. but we're in the millenium..that doesn't really excite me. So I don' t even know If I'm going to celebrate halloween. I mean I guess I could but I have no energy for it, and I also don't have friends to play with on halloween. ok...that's a lie....I promised adele I would be with her....I know I will get last minute phone calls..., but i've never actually just celebrated halloween just to have fun..it's always been about my costume..
but life is not about my costume is it? no...is it about being the best? no, is it about having fun? yes. Is it about being in awe and also scared? yes? is it about love and people I care about? yes, everyday is.
So this will be a new halloween for me. This week will be new for me as I address certain issues.
It'll be quiet interesting as I let the truth come out and all the chips fall into the their rightful places..for the moment.
I'm actually not stressed out about my costume as much because I gave up trying to make it special. i think that...my halloween costume will be cool because it's not what i usually wear lol
. I am also not sad abotu Cindy anymore. I care about her a lot. I want to tell her this. I want to tell her that I care for her a lot as a person above anything and I also want to tell her about how I am concerned about her sometimes...
I want to tell her that I appreciate her love and support and that I hope she sees shes precious and to take care of herself cause it would be great to have her alive for a Long Long time.....because her prescence is appreciated. I really hope that things and people get calmer for her, or that she calms down, but I guess I never felt in a place to tell her to calm down because the stuff she deals with are intense. I can just try to be as a good listerner as I can be and remind her that she is appreciated, and try to make her laugh with my silliness, write her letters, just be a good friend and be myself and let someone see me.
Anyway, I feel better. I decided that these next few weeks, I am going to be committed to simplifying my life and returning to a more wholesome kind of fun.
I'm ready for some centering......roar....its 3 AM, sheesh whats wrong with me?
mmm macaroni salad is good, that's all I can say.
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2007|11:52 pm] |
Hello livejournal.
I feel a terrible mess and then I look at my room and I know why. I seem to accumulate a lot of uneccessary junk. I buy new clothes every week. I have shoes that I've never worn outside. I have jewelry everywhere and old clothes that I save for projects that I never do.
I have bags of pictures and boxes that have been pulled out while I was looking for headphones that I never put back. I never put anything back! I just seek and run like I'm on some crazy adventure and I have to take only a few things with me, which is kind of how i'd like to live SOMETimes.
Being home is hard, I feel like I'm going nuts. Being in my room is like being trapped in my mind. Perhaps because I'm messy and it's a reflection of how I feel- overcrowded, unclear and overwhelming. I don't really know where to begin but I began today by sorting some things. I guess it'lll be a process. Tomorrow I will hop straight to cleaning a little bit, taking care of my costume and then doing laundry. I should get rid of 2/3 of what is in that room. I think that living by myself might be fun, or maybe communal living- i could do that, just as long as i don't have that much in common with my housemates.
i don't know what I' m really that confused about. Why am I stressed out about my costume? and why am I so disappointed Cindy will not be hanging out with me on Halloween? part of me realizes that this is all really kinda silly. ( the build up, the money spent, the show off ) I mean to a lot of people- that is all the fun. For me, halloween was aout that- but something has changed. Halloween is really about being spooked out, I really just want to get together with a bunch of friends and watch scary movies and maybe go to a graveyard or tell scary stories. I know it may sound 3rd grade. I wish that I was more together so that i could have more fun these next few days. Nomore complaining- time for some action. I need to take care of shit right away. I also realize that I'm having a lot of anxiety-up to the point where I'm frozen and I can't really get out of my house or get anything done. I just kinda escape by watching movies or lying on my bed or looking at my cell phone. I don't really want to do that anymore- I need to live, but at the same time- I'm really tired...why? because i don't sleep regularly or peacefully and I sleep not to sleep- but to escape. I don't eat regularly or healthily, I don't work out but now i have access to a gym, my priorities are out of order and I don't have enough time to myself. I need nature.
I want to go visit a mountain or a park, I always feel more in touch with myself when I'm around a lot of nature and peace.
Sidenote: where are my friends? who are my friends anyway?
And why does it bother me that Cindy will not hang out on halloween? I guess I just felt that it was a chance to share something with her, sort of like in high school how they have spring fling or like something weird like that. She's really stressed out and I understand that, but she's always stressed out and I'm not sure If I'm ready to be around someone A LOT who is chronically stressed out...because sometimes I'm stressed out myself. But megan- there is nothing to be stressed out about- i mean the things that are to be stressed out about are like global warming and politics, and changes in society....and those aren't to be stressed about- they are to be passionate and productive about. everything else that you are stressed about is so small-scale, I almost can't even stand it .anyway, Will I forgive her? I guess my concern is just that...will she do this again and again because of her busyness and business? there was that one time where she fell asleep ( which is understandable) and this other time...where when I first began hanging out with her ..she kept calling me like every hour telling me she would call me in the next hour ( wth?) and I think that's it.....hmmmmm I guess they aren't that big of a deal. sometimes she seems really crazy with her plans, and like sometimes I need to know that I can count on her to be somewhere----( can't think of a situation), but its like when I'm close to someone- i'd like for them to be able to be WITH me on certain things..u know? I guess that comes with time- when people are on the same page as you...naturally ofcourse. I understand that with busy people who love running around and having adventures ( which is Cindy and you know who else?MEEE BIG TIME...and i get a lot of complaints about it)...like that time I messed up my plans and didn't make it to adeles dinner ontime and she wouldnt let me in her house.....yes...I can get carried away. but i just miss those times in life where you and your best friend or something were able to get excited abotu something- and show up ontime to eachothers houess and get ready and do things as planned because you both felt it was important to you and had a mutual understanding.
got carried away with porn and a few phone calls. but anyway, yeah....I just feel like being grounded....u know? like knowing where i'm going, remembering the purpose of why im being in certain places and not getting carried away...etc. ...tonight yes its 1am...I might go to this lounge so that I can say hi to Cindy and make an appearance and that's it.....and hopefully come home and sleep and take care of biz 2moro...i feel like going out but I'm really tired, but then when I go to sleep I'm restless. ...............well i think that recently for some reason my energy level has dropped a LOT. I wonder why, I feel like something really vital is missing from my life, like art and school.....haha its funny how i started that sentence out vaguely and how I feel like it's specifically art and school. Also, some space. I can't wait until my parents go away ...maybe if I get a good hostess job...I'll move out. All I really have to make to move out and live in Manhattan is like $750 a month ...hmm and maybe more. $600 i make at the door can be for me to play. if I can make $400 a week from waiting tables, that will be enough to cover living expenses.....hmMmmMmMmmMmmmm blah blah blah
im losing concentration, but dont think that i dont remember the point of this conversation.
i will be back soon my love. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 26th, 2007|09:13 pm] |
|
whileihaveallthistimetomyself andalsoabrokenspacekey,idecdiedtoreallytakeheedwithmygoalsthisummer.Afterlistinganumberofthem-Inoticedthattakingcareofmyhealthisprettyimportant.Ihavegonetoseedoctorstoseewhatsupwithmeandwilltrytogetrest,stayaway fromcigarettesandlotsaboozeandidecidedthatirealydowanttolosethose20pounds.Iamgoingtodocumentitvialivejournaltokeep myselffocusedonmygoalandbeabletoreflectandlookbacktoseewhatineedtoworkon.Ialsoneedsomewheretotellitto,...because..unforunately Ithinkifitellmyfriends,theywillplotagainstmyweightloss.thisisnotbecausetheyarehorriblepeople butrather..somewhatcompetitiveorskepticalorjudgmental,soi'dprefertokeepitonalivejournallevel.Iwishthattheypeoplearemewemoresupportivesomtimes butnotinaencouragingwayorhelpingway,morelikearespectfulandawareway.EvenmyfavoritecoworkerwouldprobablyrollhereyesatmesayingthatIwanttolose20pounds andithinkthatitsnotfair,becauaseeventhoughiamnotincrediblyoverweight-Ihaveallitttleextrabaggagethatislotcatedsomewhereveryunhealthy-mystomach.butlikebigtime,notapouch,morelikeapregnantstomachandimnotexagerrating,iknowwhatilooklike anditangersmewhenepoplethinkthatiambeingunreasonable.thatiswhyidonotwanttosharethiswithmyfriendsorpeopleinmylife sometimespeoplejustneedtoseeforthemselvesoronlyactionswillspeak....butwhethertheyeverunderstandornot..... itsnotmymainconcern..mymainconcernismygoalandmeandmyhealthandhappiness. sohereIgo.sofarmyplanistoocutoutcertainthings(iwouldsaykeepittoaminimumbutthatisaslipperyslopethatgetstrickysoideicidedtoquititalltogetherfornow...iwilldefinitelyeattheminthefuture
Iwillcutout:Candy,Soda,chips,snack/junkytypefoods,friedfoods,butter
eatlessriceandbread
thinkbeforeidecidetodineoutandlivelikenapoleon
whensomeoffersmesomething:think
countto10.
dontgetdiscouragedbypressure
anddiscouragementandespeciallynot...judgmentality
whenimhungry...EAT,otherwiseyoullendupeatingeverythingthatsavailable(today,foinstance,iwashungry...didntgettoeatcauseiwasinarushandendedupeatingabagofgoldfish,chocolatechipcookies,andstawberrycreambar)
ifyouarecravingoryouthinkandwantspecialfoods..rememberthattheworldwillprobablynotend2moro
andthatyouaremorethenwelcomenottoeatittoday..butsavespecialculinaryexperiencesforFriday...orsomethinglikethat,
youdonthavetoeatgourmeteverynightbecauseyouwanttotrysomethingorgooutorsomething.
walkinsteadoftakingthetrain,itsbeautifulout,and...maybetakeaclassonceyougetyourfinancesbackinline.
alow-pressure..class.andfinallylove.loveme.lovetheearthandthenutrientsitsurvivesandwhenyouthinkyouareeatingoutofstress...
thinklonger
Igetstressedoutaroundpeopleandeatmore,sobemoreawareofyoruselfwhileyouarearoundothers.
okilltrytorememberallofthat.wishmeluck! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 28th, 2007|11:10 pm] |
|
Dear journal, it has been 2 years. I read all of your entries, young beautiful woman
you have so much pain. I touch your head and embrace you.
You have yet still to embrace so much of you, of your feelings, of your pain from
them, he, she, it, and society.
there is so much that you do not know ...STILL.
there is so much to learn from megan, so much to grow
you meet the most beautiful people and see the most beautiful things
you wake from the winter of your life.
it's not easy.
it's still not easy, but I'm back from the future to tell you
that ..it's a process, and you are doing it.
that things get better, your rage gets calmer
and you are able to sit with yourself a lot more.
you become more self-content and realize the importance of connecting with others
you become more eager to heal yourself.
you still have kisses to give yourelf now,
you still have many isues to face and gifts to recieve and things to give others
i'm scared even now.
pain presides over my head
i'm going to cry tonight and return to my anger
i know it sounds horrible, but i think i must do this.
you'll be okay megan
megan from the future says that you will accomplish many great things
fall in love with an amazing person , and have a great sex life and do many great things with a group of special people
you will be very beautiful, but more importantly- kind and smart
you will touch many lives, and be touched by others
you will learn more the art of recieving and giving, and your energy become more universal
you will have fun, fight amazing battles, have adventures, inspire others and make great passionate love.
trust me. ha! you want to be there.
=)
your guide tells you to embrace yourself, to give yourself a hug tonight, to know your dream, to express, to paint, to listen to the voice that says whats fair, it says to look around and see what's happening in your surroundings, whats happening with others, and to embrace amazing things that are coming your way. it says to trust, and that you will make it through this darkness.
love-megan ( past, present, future) =)
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 25th, 2006|10:06 am] |
=( i miss her,
i love her
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
come back to me
come back come and see me *WAAAAAAAAAAh
ugh =x ugh ugh come !! where are you?
i love you ;*(*********************************************************************
why am i so mean?
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 13th, 2006|10:13 am] |
my heart is falling
fear fear fear paralyzes me, makes me negative
i fear the flow of life
and i just asked a question that might potentially hurt....
i fear the flow of life
the getting up after the falling down
i fear the end of beautiful things, i am attached to the past, and yet i rush into the future.
i fear the end of beautiful things, and ignore the fact that more might come,
oh my feet my ears, my hands and heart, mind they ache.
and i lie in my bed watching tghings pass by, and i feel helpless in changing them, watching them flow by....manifesting themselves. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 23rd, 2006|07:45 pm] |
kicking air punching air for 2 hours
i exhaust myself
i have no energy to fight,
to hurt,
whats the use?
what other choice do you leave me?
what other choice do I have when someone denies me, takes away their hand but offers me a finger?denying that they ever wanted to hold my hand.
when i love them i want to be there for them?
what other choice do i have.....when I want to accept everything for what it is, when i want to accept them.
can i accept them but not take the finger?
can I throw it up and stomp like a child and deny ?
no i wont be like my enemy,
no i wont be like my love.
i wont deny, and stomp like a child.
i will just feel what i feel, and be angry like i am
but will my head be clear if im angry?
i dont know but im fucking stuck with this fucked up shit face motherfucker
why why why why why
do you deny, why do you run, why do you bury me alive.
it feels like someone has taken my love and buried it, because they couldnt face my power.
forgiveness is so great, but should you back down without a fight? what if you already fought this battle?
is love worth it?
my intuition says to give this person space.
i Guess i need to, but my heart is growing bitter and distant.
and i hate.
and i hate hate
and i hate that i hate .
and i fucking hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate
hate is a strng word.
im just trying to express the degree of my frustration.
expression, let me breathe PLEASE
just let me be.
just let her be.
I cant leave town just to escape.
she will ignore me.
she will be her
oh well i love her
but shes fucking stupid.
i want to jump off a building,
not because i want to die
but because i just want to give in, to surrender, i just wanna be free.
i just want to be free from this cage ...that I was born into and conditioned
see, cages in this world are not made of steel and you may not even see them
thats how good they are. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 23rd, 2006|12:24 am] |
FUCKIN SHIT MOTHERFUCKER FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKY DUCK FUCKIN DUCK SHIT MOTHERFUCKER
IM GOING TO FUCKING DO IT
IM GOING TO BEAT THIS MOTHERFUCKER
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
IM GOING TO EAT THIS MOTHERFCUKER TO PULP
IM GOING TO WIN THIS FIGHT
CHEW IT UP AND SWALLOW IT, LIKE A MARTIAL ARTS MONSTER.
IM GOING TO DO IT, I DONT CARE ANYMORE WHAT YALL SAY WHAT ANYONE SAYS
THIS IS WHAT I WANT AND I WILL FUCKIN GO IN BLIND TO GET WHAT I WANT.
I WILL DIE FOR WHAT I WANT.
I WILL FIGHT FOR IT UNTIL I CANNOT MOVE, THINK, FEEL, OR ANYTHING
AND IF I DIE, THAN I WILL DIE, BUT I WONT GIVE IT UP, NOT WHAT I BELIEVE IN. NO NEVER.NEVER FUCKIN EVER.
AND IF I DONT DIE , THEN ILL LIVE AND LOVE AND FIGHT MORE FIGHTS UNTIL I DIE. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 23rd, 2006|12:09 am] |
I dont know, you know when you face a struggle
and then you think, if you make it through this one you can make it through any ?
haha , well i always think after i make it " what could possibly come now?"
but life....is just....so crazy and unpredictable.
I dont doubt that it will throw me more and more hurdles, i dont.
I realized that my beliefs are not seperate from me..they are me.
If i stick to my beliefs, my beliefs in love, truth,freedom and beauty co-existing, well then I dont think i can go wrong. Its hard.
i have nine research papers to write, fuck.BLEH. i have a less than a day!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and right now Im in pain, and its keeping me from doing it. My pain is not specific even though my mind would like to think so,so i can distract myself from the real hardship. BUt this is MY struggle, this means so much to me, this is everything i strived for for the past 18 years, it may not seem so, but this is life or death. If i can make it through this, I will love myself forever. If i dont, i will still love myself......
but i know i can do it.
im not going to let anyone tell me i cant do it,
and im especially not going to let myself tell me i cant do it.
i have to do this, with every last inch of my whole self, with total surrender.
With total faih....
i have to trust myself.... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 14th, 2005|11:58 pm] |
she laid there for a second still in pain
, concentrating on the stillness of her center, watching her thoughts pass her by, and although it was hard, she began to accept the fact that it was hard. Every minute passed and she would tell herself to hang on one more minute, a minute became 2...and after 500 minutes..she realized she was still there. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
hotsauceplease's journal